A Kiss Is Just a Kiss
by darthelwig
Summary: A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. COMPLETE! SanzoGoku. GojyoHakkai. Slight GojyoGoku. SLASH.
1. Prologue

"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss"

Prologue

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.

A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.

Thank you very much to GhostHelwig for being my Beta and giving me encouragement. I couldn't have written this without you!

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

I wanted the monkey to shut up.

So I kissed him.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. He was just glaring at me with those huge, innocent eyes of his, running his mouth off about something or other, and I suddenly didn't want to fight anymore.

So I shut him up in the best way I knew how.

Heh. I can still see the look on his face. He had no idea what hit him, the little idiot. Goku may be great in a _fight_, but he's got zero skills when it comes to things like that.

Course, I should've known one kiss wouldn't satisfy me and now that I've opened _that_ door… I'm a little curious to find out what's behind it. The monkey _is_ pretty energetic. I bet he'd have enthusiasm and endurance to spare.

Oh yeah.

I think it's time to find out just how much trouble the monkey and I can get into together. It should be fun. He's such an innocent in so many ways.

Yeah, the temptation's too much for a guy like me.

It's time to work some of my pervy magic on that sexy little chimp.

……………………

Um… what?

What the hell was _that_ for? The bastard didn't have to _kiss_ me! And he used _his tongue_! God, I wish I'd kicked his ass for that! As is I'd ever _want_ him to do that to me! He's such a _perv_!

And why did he have to go and do that in front of Hakkai and _Sanzo_? Sanzo didn't look too happy about it. I mean, I guess it's because he doesn't like the way Gojyo _puts_ the moves on anything _that_ moves. It always seems to annoy him when Gojyo does that stuff. It Gojyo starts that shit up with _me_, we'll never be able to escape it.

Besides, Sanzo thinks I'm just a _kid_, and Gojyo shouldn't be pulling that with kids.

But is this really a bad thing? I mean, I'm _so_ not into Gojyo like that, but maybe there's something I can get out of this.

Would Sanzo finally see that I'm not a stupid kid anymore? If I can get him to see me as an adult, maybe I can get him to see me as something more than just a _friend_, too….

Yeah, this might just work. Course, I have to get involved with Gojyo to do it, but that shouldn't be too hard. He must think I'm cute, or he wouldn't have kissed me. So if I encourage him…

All _kinds_ of interesting things could happen.

………………………….

… That fucking pervert is going to die.

I'm going to kill him.

If he touches Goku one more time, I will _end him_.

The damn monkey is too _stupid_ to play those adult games. Gojyo shouldn't toy with him that way. He'll only end up hurting them both.

Not that I should really give a damn. Let them both rot in hell for all I care. If they want to screw around, that's their business.

I just don't _like_ it.

Goddamn it. Why _me_? Why couldn't things just stay _simple_?

And why does thinking about that kiss piss me off so much? Goku needs guidance, but he doesn't need protection. He's old enough to make his own decisions. And I don't particularly _want_ to protect him either.

But goddamn it, Gojyo used his _tongue_ and that's just _wrong_. _Nobody_ should touch Goku like that….

_What the hell am I saying?_

_Damn it_, Gojyo, why did you have to do this to me?

I'll fucking _kill_ you.

…………………………….

I keep thinking that somehow I missed something, like I should have seen this coming. I know it's ludicrous, but still… this was totally unexpected.

I'm not entirely certain why Gojyo has this sudden interest in Goku, but I can definitely see how badly things could turn out. I don't think any of us want Sanzo to shoot Gojyo, but that's what will happen if Gojyo chooses to continue along this path, and judging by the gleam in his eyes afterwards, he's certainly contemplating it.

And just when I thought he and I were becoming closer, too. I wonder if I should have said something before this, if I should have told Gojyo how I feel. But I doubt that would've made any difference at all. Gojyo is a free spirit and not one to stay tied down for too long. It's one of the things I love about him.

And now this.

Well, Goku was certainly struck dumb by that turn of events. Poor guy. Gojyo can be quite magnetic when he gets up close and personal like that. I should know. He and I have shared some wonderful times together.

I refuse to be jealous. Gojyo is who he is and I've known that for years. He wants to experience all the many varied pleasures life has to offer. I _know_ that. And Goku… he knows better than to get involved with Gojyo, right? I mean, it's completely obvious that he's got feelings for Sanzo, so why would he?

See? There's nothing to worry about… nothing at all.


	2. The Tease

"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss" 

Chapter One- The Tease

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.

A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

The breakfast table should have crumbled to dust under the withering heat of Sanzo's glare as he sat down the next morning.

Goku didn't notice the monk's foul mood. He was too busy stuffing his face with all the extraordinarily good food the inn had to offer.

Gojyo noticed, but his attention was focused on the monkey sitting next to him, contemplating how and when to make his move. He had no time to spare for cranky monks who were too uptight to get laid by him.

Hakkai smiled at Sanzo, welcoming him to the table even as he worried about what this horrendous mood portended for their small group of misfits. He didn't even want to _think_ about the bloodshed the monk was probably considering.

Sanzo opened his newspaper, and Hakkai breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he was just worrying for nothing.

"Hey monkey," Gojyo said, catching Goku's attention. "I got something for you to put in that great big mouth of yours."

Hakkai choked on a sip of tea, but no one noticed.

Sanzo's narrowed eyes appeared over the top of the newspaper, the promise of death looming.

And Gojyo picked up a spring roll, waving it in front of Goku's face.

"Open _wide_." He said, grinning, and Goku obediently opened his mouth for the gift. Gojyo fed the monkey slowly, making him take small bites until he reached the end of the spring roll.

Goku knew what to do. He wrapped his lips around the remaining tidbit, taking Gojyo's fingertips into his mouth as well, and sucked lightly.

All three men had their eyes glued to the sight.

Hakkai was the first to break the tense silence. He cleared his throat and took another sip of his tea, smiling to cover his shaky nerves.

"Well, those _are_ some excellent spring rolls," he said mildly, hoping to defuse the situation before something terrible happened to his best friend. He pasted a calm expression on his face and took a deep, relaxing breath.

Goku finally removed his lips from Gojyo's fingers and sat back with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"They're delicious," he said, and picked up another. He popped it in his mouth nonchalantly and moaned a little as he chewed. Gojyo swallowed hard.

"Sinful," said, grinning cockily, and winced as Sanzo's fan connected with his head.

"Stop encouraging him!"

"Sheesh, man! What's your problem?" Gojyo asked, rubbing his sore scalp. Damn, that monk didn't pull his punches!

"Stop corrupting the monkey, filthy pervert!" Sanzo stood and tossed his newspaper to the table.

"Come on. We're leaving."

"But _Sanzo_-!" Goku started, but a quick gunshot shut him up.

"We're done here," Sanzo growled and walked out, leaving them to follow.

………………………

If I'd known the monkey could do _that_, I would have done this a _long_ time ago. Think of all the time I've _wasted_, not taking advantage of his hidden… _talent_. Heh. This is becoming more promising by the minute.

I guess the only question is… how far can I take this?

Well, maybe a better question is… how far is _Goku _willing to go?

I think it's time I found out.

………………………..

_Man_, that was _great_! Gojyo was _completely_ surprised. I bet he had _no idea_ I even _knew _about that stuff.

The look on his face was _priceless_!

I wonder what Sanzo thought about my little display. I was kind of afraid to look.

Well, no matter. I'll get my point across. And it's starting to look like it's gonna be fun doing it. Gojyo was… kinda sexy looking at me like that.

I could _totally_ get into this.

…………………………….

That goddamn fucking perverted _kappa_ is going to get a bullet right in that empty head of his.

And what the hell did that stupid fucking monkey think he was _doing_, anyway?

Are those two idiots _trying_ to piss me off?

Are they _that_ suicidal?

And where the hell did the chimp learn to _do_ that, anyway? What _else_ is he hiding from me? And how the hell am I supposed to put a stop to this if _both_ of them are pushing for it? Why does the monkey even _want_ to do that? Does he have some sort of … _thing_… for Gojyo?

It can't be. Goku isn't _that_ stupid.

…

And why the _hell_ am I still _thinking_ about this? It's not _my problem_!

_Damn it_!

…………………………………

So.

I suppose now I know how Goku feels about Gojyo's advances. I guess there really _is_ something to worry about. Goku may care deeply about Sanzo, but he's also a hormonal teenager, even now. He may want to try a little… _experimentation_.

And just how _is_ it that Goku can still be so young after being imprisoned for five hundred years? It's just not fair!

But I guess it doesn't matter. He is who he is, as Gojyo can only be what he is as well. I can't blame either of them for being interested.

I just… I thought perhaps I mattered to Gojyo more than that. But maybe that was just wishful thinking.

I wish things could be different, but I'll ride out this storm. What else _can_ I do?


	3. Edging Closer

"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss" 

Chapter Two- Edging Closer

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.

A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Well, I guess we're camping out tonight," Hakkai announced, much too cheerfully for Sanzo's taste. The monk gritted his teeth and forced his frayed nerves back into some semblance of control.

"Fine," he growled, getting up and moving away. "I'm taking a walk." He didn't look back, knowing Hakkai would take care of all those annoying details like pitching a tent.

He wasn't wrong.

"Come on, Gojyo. Help me set up the tent, will you?"

Gojyo groaned but helped anyway. He didn't mind sleeping in the open, but dark clouds threatened overhead, and he didn't really feel like getting soaked to the bone if it rained. He hoped it didn't rain, though. Sanzo was already in a bad enough mood as it was.

"Goku, could you get us some more water?"

"Sure!" Goku grabbed their canteens and went in search of fresh water.

Hakkai watched him go, and then turned to Gojyo, who was hauling out the canvas and setting up.

"What are you doing?" Hakkai asked, voice entirely serious now. Gojyo looked up, surprised by his friend's tone.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean with Goku. What are you doing?"

Gojyo sighed and fiddled with the edge of the canvas tent, avoiding Hakkai's eyes.

"I'm just having a little fun, is all," he said.

"I know that… but why _Goku_? What could you possibly gain from this?"

"Why are you so upset about it?" Gojyo asked, finally meeting Hakkai's gaze.

"I'm not upset."

"Really? You _sound_ upset."

"Do I? Yes, I suppose I do, at that. I'm sorry." He paused for a moment, looking away. "It's just… it's upsetting Sanzo."

"Yeah, well, the monk can get over it. Goku's not a kid anymore."

"That's true," Hakkai said softly, covering his bitterness with a faintly rueful smile. "Please, forget I said anything."

"It's okay," Gojyo said, grinning again. "You're just _worried_ about me." He winked at Hakkai, the familiar sparkle present in his eyes, and Hakkai hid the regret and pain that brought him.

"Well, let's not waste any time, shall we?" Hakkai said, moving to help Gojyo with the tent.

"Wasn't planning on it," Gojyo replied, looking briefly in the direction Goku had gone, and Hakkai's heart sank further.

And he smiled.

………………………….

Goku had found a small stream and was filling the canteens, humming softly to himself while he did so.

"You're an idiot."

Goku jumped, startled, and nearly dropped the water.

"Sanzo!"

"Why are you wasting your time on Gojyo?" Sanzo asked, arms folded across his chest and face blank. He stood only a few feet behind where Goku stood, and Goku wondered how Sanzo had so thoroughly managed to surprise him.

"What do you mean, Sanzo?"

"You're encouraging him. Can you _be_ that stupid?" The monk was beginning to sound more irritated, and Goku took that as a good sign.

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked, trying to sound as if the answer meant nothing to him.

"_Because_, you stupid monkey, he's only interested in _one thing_." Sanzo was openly upset now, his face a mask of clouds. Goku phrased his next comment carefully.

"Maybe _I'm_ interested in it too."

Sanzo's eyes widened slightly as he absorbed the meaning behind Goku's words. Then the moment passed and he exploded in rage.

"_Do you even know what you're saying, you stupid ape_?" he yelled, slamming Goku over the head with his fan. "You're too stupid to get involved with someone like that! Idiots like you get _attached_! And don't think you can come crying to me when you get hurt because of it!"

Goku returned Sanzo's glare, refusing to back down anymore.

"I'm not a stupid kid, Sanzo. I know what I'm doing! If I want to _get laid_, I will! Don't treat me like a child anymore!"

"Maybe I would if you'd stop _acting_ like one!" Sanzo yelled back.

"_I'm_ not the one acting like a _kid_ here! If you don't want me to sleep with Gojyo, you'd better give me a reason _why_, instead of calling me stupid and treating me like this! I know that anything I could have with Gojyo would be _just sex_, and I don't care! I'm not looking for more from him! If you have a problem with that, _tell me why_!" Goku stared at Sanzo, daring him to speak, but the monk was quiet for a long time. When he finally spoke, his voice was once again carefully controlled, betraying no hint of his emotions. Only his eyes held any passion, and they gleamed with a dangerous intensity.

"Fine. Do what you want," he said, and walked away.

And all Goku could do was watch him go.

……………………….

Damn it! What the hell is Hakkai's problem? Did I do something to piss _him_ off too? He hasn't talked to me since this afternoon. I wonder what's going on with him.

And that damn monk's been giving me his death glare all night. It's starting to creep me out. Ugh. Maybe Hakkai was right about Sanzo being really pissed off about this. But why _should_ he be? It's not like he and Goku are a hot item or something. I mean, for crying out loud, the monk wouldn't be caught _dead_ being _human_ or anything weak like _that_.

So what the hell am I supposed to do _now_? Should I still go through with this? When did this get so damn _complicated_?

……………………..

Maybe I went too far. Sanzo seemed pretty pissed off. But I'm _not _a kid and he needs to realize that! I'm doing this for _him_! He and I are meant to be_ together_!

And Gojyo's acting kind of funny now too. I wonder what _his_ problem is. I mean, he hasn't come on to me _once_ this evening. If this is his idea of seduction, I'm amazed he _ever_ gets laid.

God, I'm so _turned on_! Does that make me some kind of weirdo? But I can't help it! Fighting with Sanzo is what did it! He was all flushed in the face and stuff….

Damn it! 

…………………….

Why _am_ I so upset about this? Why is it so hard for me to see Gojyo touch the monkey like that? Why did watching Goku suck on the kappa's fingers make me want to kill something? Why?

And why the hell was I so turned on by it?

What the hell is _wrong_ with me?

………………………

I have to do something. I can't let things go on like this. I _love_ Gojyo. I can't see him throw that away over something like this. Because I'm not sure I can take it. I don't know how to handle seeing him with Goku. Strangers are one thing. They pass in and out of our lives like wind. But Goku is different. He's one of us. He's just like me. He's… competition.

I can't do this. I have to let Gojyo know how I feel. Maybe he'll understand. I _need_ him, more than anyone else possibly could. He _saved_ me. He made me realize I _wanted to live_. I don't want to be without that anymore.

But he may not feel the same way about _me_. I know that. But I _have_ to try. What else is there for me?

Yet, I'm afraid to say anything. I'm afraid of what his response will be. I don't think Gojyo is the 'settling down' type, and I can't ask him to be.

So where does that leave me?


	4. Consequences

"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss" 

Chapter Three- Consequences

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.

A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

The ride to town was… unpleasant.

Quiet.

Tense.

It was like an invisible wall had been erected around each of them, each man lost in his own private world.

Goku hated it.

As soon as they reached town, he began to babble.

"Man, those smell delicious! Sanzo, I want one of _those_!" He pointed as he spoke, listing everything that looked remotely interesting to him- mainly food. Sanzo didn't look, didn't respond- not even to hit him with his fan for talking too much.

Gojyo shook himself out of the somewhat trance-like state he'd slipped into, determined not to let his inner turmoil show any longer.

"There's an inn over there, Hakkai," he said, one long arm extended to direct his friend's gaze.

" I see it," Hakkai replied, voice carefully neutral.

Gojyo wasn't surprised by Hakkai's lack of emotion. He knew something was bothering his friend deeply. So he said nothing about it.

Sanzo remained quiet.

The rest of the afternoon passed by agonizingly slowly, each of them going their own way for the majority of it. They met again only for dinner, which was eaten in silence for once, the only noise the clatter of dishes and the chatter of other patrons.

"Gojyo and I will share a room tonight," Hakkai said, and Sanzo looked at him in surprise but still said nothing, merely nodding his head in acknowledgement.

Gojyo wondered if Hakkai was finally going to tell him what was really bothering him. He hoped so. He hated to see Hakkai upset. The man was his best friend and they were as close as two people could be.

Goku kept eating, but inside he was ecstatic. This was his chance to talk to Sanzo again. He thought maybe he was close to finally getting through to the man.

This opportunity wouldn't be allowed to pass him by.

……………………………….

Hakkai was sitting on one of the beds in their room when Gojyo went upstairs a little later. He looked up when Gojyo walked in, face solemn, and Gojyo let the quick joke on his lips silently die.

"So who died?" he asked, lighting a cigarette and taking a long, slow drag.

"I have something to confess," Hakkai murmured, ignoring Gojyo's question. He took a deep breath and stood up, facing his friend, but when he tried to speak his voice refused to work.

Gojyo watched Hakkai struggle for a moment before speaking again.

"You can tell me, you know. Whatever it is that's been eating at you, I want to know."

Hakkai smiled softly, the gesture at once both genuine and contrived, betraying his inner confusion.

"Not that I've decided to tell you, it's much harder to say." His voice was almost a whisper.

"I…. You…. You're very important to me, Gojyo. I wasn't going to tell you… until this thing with Goku came up. It just seemed like something that could wait. I thought things were okay the way they were.

"Now I know how foolish I was to think so. I have to tell you, Gojyo. I have to let you know that I love you before I chance losing you.

"I have never felt this way before. Not even with Kanan, if you can believe it. I love her… and I still _do_… with all that is pure and good in my heart. But _you_ know my _darkness_, and in that darkness you're a bright, flaming beacon to guide me. Every part of me- the good, the bad… _the whole of me_- knows your face. And _that_ is how much I love you. Even the demon within me feels you."

Hakkai paused and Gojyo began to speak, but Hakkai cut him off with one upraised hand.

"Please, let me finish," he said, eyes pleading for understanding. "I'm not telling you this to influence you one way or another. That's not my intention. I'm telling you this because _I_ needed you to know. I needed to get this out into the open before anything came between us. Seeing you flirting with Goku is…_ painful_ to me. I can't lie about that… not anymore.

"I just… I wanted to lay all my cards on the table for you so that you know everything you need to in order to decide what it is _you_ want. I don't expect anything in return except honesty.

"I know our few… _experiences_ together don't mean you love me in that way. But I needed to make my feelings known to you. The rest… well, the rest is up to _you_."

Hakkai took a deep, steadying breath, forcing his eyes to remain locked with Gojyo's. His friend's face was a mask, completely unreadable even to him, and the crushing sense of loss that threatened at the edges of his soul began creeping over him.

"You love me," Gojyo said, voice betraying none of what he was feeling.

"Yes. I love you," Hakkai murmured, finally lowering his eyes to the floor. Gojyo took a drag off the cigarette burning almost forgotten in his fingers and considered the situation.

"To tell you the truth, I haven't given much thought to… _us_. I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, Gojyo. If nothing else, I _do _wish to remain your friend."

"Yeah, we've been through a lot together," Gojyo said, a small smile touching his lips, if only fleetingly.

"Give me some time, Hakkai. This is a lot to think about."

Hakkai nodded, staying quiet, and Gojyo put out his cigarette. He sprawled on his bed and threw one arm over his eyes.

Hakkai slipped out of the room and went downstairs for some air, leaving Gojyo to his thoughts.

……………………….

Sanzo was still quiet and Goku cursed himself for his inability to break the silence.

The monk stood at the one small window in the room, staring outside. Goku doubted he could see much. It was too dark outside now, and the window looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years.

Goku sighed and sat on his bed. There had never been a silence like this between them. Not in all the years they had known each other. It was driving him mad.

An idea came to him. It was stupid, granted, and almost guaranteed to get him shot… but it would also be utterly unexpected on his part. He wondered if he had the guts to pull it off.

He didn't search for an answer. Instead he just did what he did best.

He _acted_.

He stood and moved towards Sanzo, pulling off his shirt as he went. He dropped it on the floor in a heap and advanced on the man until he was only a few brief inches away from Sanzo's back. The monk didn't turn around or acknowledge his existence at all, even though Goku knew very well that Sanzo was aware of how close he was standing.

"Sanzo?" he called out, voice low. When he received no response, he tried again.

"_Sanzo, look at me_."

"Leave me alone," Sanzo said finally, voice hoarse and rough. The monk could see the faintest image of Goku reflected in the window- shirtless and disheveled and utterly sexy. He wanted to turn around, so he didn't.

"Sanzo, I'm going to tell you something. Don't get mad, okay? But… I did this for _you_. I flirted with Gojyo for _you_."

"What are you talking about?" Sanzo said, trying to sound dismissive and uninterested and knowing he'd failed.

"I wanted you to see me as more than just some annoying brat. I'm not a kid anymore and my feelings for you aren't childish either. I'm _in love_ with you."

"You're an idiot." Sanzo's voice was tight with some unidentifiable emotion.

"Am I?"

Goku put his hand on Sanzo's shoulder and the monk turned swiftly, brushing it away. But now they were face to face, only inches apart, and Goku could see the turmoil deep in Sanzo's violet eyes.

He placed one hand on Sanzo's cheek, and this time the man didn't brush him away. The monk was caught by Goku's golden gaze, fixed to the spot and helpless to fight back.

"Sanzo, I love you," Goku said softly, leaning in to capture Sanzo's lips with his own.

The first touch of silky, soft skin was electrifying, and Sanzo let out a small sound that was half whimper, half moan. Goku let his tongue trace the contours of Sanzo's lips, asking for entrance.

Sanzo didn't want to grant it, but his lips parted anyway, and he moaned as Goku's tongue slipped into his mouth. Then he was kissing the monkey back, his passion matching Goku's.

Slowly, he became aware of Goku's hands as they traveled over his body, generating the most delicious sensations in his flesh.

He broke away, shoving Goku backward. The monkey stared at him, stunned and disbelieving.

"_Don't touch me_!" Sanzo yelled, furious. Goku's eyes widened and he shrank back, shocked by the ferocity of Sanzo's voice and the anger flashing in his eyes.

"But Sanzo-"

"I said _no_! Do you understand that or is it too much for your _simple _brain to handle? I don't _want_ you!"

Sanzo was shaking with the intensity of his emotions. Goku could see it, could see the undiluted violence radiating from the man, and it scared him.

"How _dare_ you do this to me? I did _not_ give you permission to _maul_ me!"

"But-"

"_No_! You are _never_ to lay a finger on me again! _Do you understand_? If you do, I'll _shoot_ you."

"I thought-"

"I don't _care_ what you _thought_. I'm setting you straight _right now_. _No one_ touches me like that. Not even _you_."

Goku sat down heavily on the floor, knees too shaky to support his weight. He watched Sanzo storm out of the room, face a mask of horror.

And then the tears started.

……………………………

What the hell do I do now? Hakkai's _in love_ with me? When did _that_ happen? And what the hell am I supposed to _do_ about it?

Do I love him? I never gave it any thought before. How do I even know what love feels like?

I love my mother. I wanted to make her tears disappear.

And I don't want to hurt Hakkai. His pain leaves me feeling so… helpless. Is that love?

How the _hell_ am I supposed to know these things? It's not like there are _instructions_, you know.

I _trust_ Hakkai. I like having him around. I felt… _empty_… when I thought he'd been executed. Could I have loved him for so long without even knowing it? I can't imagine my life without him, that's for sure. He's just… _supposed_ to be there, you know?

_What is love_?

…………………………..

What did I do?

Did I do something wrong?

Was touching Sanzo wrong?

Was kissing him bad?

Did I hurt him or scare him somehow?

Do I apologize?

_How_?

How the hell did I make such a mess of things?

Will Sanzo forgive me?

………………………….

_That damn monkey_.

He's too stupid to live, I swear. He put his _hands_ on me. His _mouth_ was on me. I didn't tell him he could do that.

I didn't tell him he couldn't, either. Not until the end.

He's too stupid to know better.

And I scared him. I think I even scared _myself_.

Because I panicked. And I've never really felt that way before. Well, not in many, many years, anyway.

And in my panic, I struck out at him. I hurt him deeply with my fear of my own passion. I had _no idea_ I could feel that way. Is that what desire _is_? Is it that heat, that deep hunger I felt rising in my stomach? What I felt was so much _more_ than simple _arousal_. This feeling… it scared me.

Did I destroy something precious in my blinding terror of actually _feeling_?

I'm such a fool.

_I did not want this_.

…………………………..

I am… lost.

Without my light, there is only my darkness.

Where do I go from here?


	5. The Truth

"A Kiss Is Just a Kiss" 

Chapter Four- The Truth

By darthelwig

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated M. SLASH WARNING.

A minor incident and some major flirtation stir up trouble for the boys. Sanzo/Goku. Gojyo/Hakkai. Slight Gojyo/Goku.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Hakkai returned, Gojyo was still awake, still smoking and apparently waiting for him. He felt nervous under the steady, unflinching gaze of his friend's crimson eyes. He gave Gojyo one of his tentative, uneasy smiles.

"Hakkai," Gojyo said, rising from his place on the bed. "I don't have an answer for you. I'm sorry."

Hakkai's smile never faltered. In fact, it became even _easier_ for him to maintain, as he was used to submerging his pain and hiding it with a wall of false optimism.

"Oh, that's alright. Please don't go to any trouble just for _me_."

"Don't do that," Gojyo said, crushing his cigarette in the ashtray by the bed.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't _lie_ to me. I hate that shit, especially from _you_, Hakkai. I didn't say I don't want an answer. I'm not rejecting you _yet_."

This time Hakkai's smile _did_ falter, finally vanishing from his face as he dropped all pretenses and let the brutal honesty of his emotions come forth.

This Hakkai was one Gojyo didn't see very often. This was the man Hakkai was _afraid_ of, and it was perfect that _this_ man be present for what he was going to say.

"I don't know what love is, Hakkai. My past doesn't set a very good example. How can I give you an answer if I don't know how to spot it? I know love is having faith in someone. You and I… we have that. But is it _love_? I don't know."

Gojyo gazed silently at Hakkai for a long moment, steadying himself. Hakkai didn't move, didn't speak… he just waited.

"I want to know. I never thought it would matter. No- I _convinced_ myself love didn't matter to me, but the truth is… love is all I ever really wanted.

"So I guess the question is… is the love I've been searching for right here under my nose?"

Gojyo approached Hakkai slowly, holding Hakkai's gaze with his own intense stare, until he was standing directly in front of him. The air between them was charged with sexual tension, and it made his skin tingle with awareness. He leaned in close, within easy kissing distance, letting the feel of Hakkai's warm breath on his skin wreak havoc on his senses.

"Show me," he whispered, his lips almost brushing against Hakkai's with every word. "Show me what love feels like."

Then their lips met and Hakkai's response was lost in a storm of passion.

…………………………..

Sanzo walked back to the room he was sharing with Goku and paused outside the door, one hand resting on the rough wood.

A small sound caught his attention, coming from the room Gojyo and Hakkai shared. He'd heard that sound before- a few times. Things were apparently going better for them than they were for him right now.

He was surprised to discover he was faintly envious. They were morons, but at least they weren't _cowards_, afraid to experience the passion inherent in every living being.

And that was the painful truth, wasn't it? The closer he became to Goku, the more powerful his body's desires grew. His control of them was weakening and he was afraid.

He wasn't prepared to face the monkey again, but he couldn't stay out here in the hallway all night either. He refused to run from this again. So he entered the room and shut the door quietly behind him.

Goku was curled up on the bed, facing the wall. He didn't move when Sanzo entered the room, though the monk knew he was awake.

Sanzo removed his robes and folded them neatly, placing them on a chair near his bed. Sandals and socks followed soon after. He settled himself down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, thoughts and emotions churning inside of him.

"Sanzo?" Goku said, almost whispering.

"What is it?" Sanzo asked, voice lacking its usual sneering disdain. He didn't have the heart to be crueler than he'd already been that night.

"I'm sorry. Whatever I did, however I hurt you… I'm so _sorry_. I didn't mean to."

Sanzo knew Goku was crying. He could hear it in his voice. But he spared Goku the embarrassment of having those tears acknowledged.

"It's over. Let it go."

"I- I _can't_. I love you _so much_. I don't want to hurt you. I shouldn't have touched you. I know that. I'm just so… so _stupid_, and _I'm sorry_."

Goku was really crying now, shoulders jerking and body shaking with his sobs. Sanzo sighed and sat up, facing Goku, who still kept his body turned to the wall.

"Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once. I overreacted earlier. It has nothing to do with something you did _wrong_. You shouldn't blame _yourself_ for the actions of others."

Goku sat up and looked at Sanzo, face streaked with tears and eyes wide with surprise. He was sniffling now, trying to stop his crying.

"What can I do, Sanzo? What can I do to make this better?"

He looked so lost, sitting there and trusting the monk to tell him what was _right_, and Sanzo's heart softened the slightest bit. How could he not trust this most innocent and guileless of creatures? Goku was completely devoted to him. He knew that. Goku would rather die than harm one hair on his head. If he couldn't bring himself to trust this young man before him, who _could_ he trust?

He wanted so much more than he had right now. He wanted what Goku had so readily offered. He'd been so long without a connection of any kind….

He wanted this connection to Goku.

"Come here," he said, a little gruffly, but Goku moved towards him anyway, completely trusting.

Sanzo reached up and took Goku's hand, pulling him gently down onto the bed. Goku sat next to him, their bodies touching, but he didn't move to touch the monk, who was grateful for that. He needed to move at his own pace, adjust himself to this new set of emotions at his own speed. He didn't want a repeat of his earlier panic.

Sanzo ran his fingers over Goku's cheek, studying the feel of the monkey's skin. He could feel the first stirrings of desire in his gut, and he forced down the swell of fear that accompanied it. He would _not_ lose control, so there was nothing to fear.

Goku sat still while Sanzo touched him. He had never experienced anything as deeply intimate as what they were doing right now, and it made him happy that the man he loved would allow himself to let his guard down just a little. He wanted Sanzo to know he wouldn't hurt him. No, he _needed_ Sanzo to know that.

So he sat quietly while Sanzo used him to explore his own feelings and conquer his own insecurities.

And eventually, Sanzo kissed him. It was just a feather-light brush of his lips across Goku's, but the monkey's heart sang with the joy of it.

And after awhile, they grew sleepy and held each other while they dreamed.

…………………….

I asked for it, and did I receive or _what_.

Hakkai poured everything he had into our lovemaking. I feel like he was holding back all those other times, like he hadn't wanted to show me the depth of his own feelings, but not so this night. It was… impressive.

It _touched_ me. His emotions were so raw and open…. The idiot's been holding them in for _way_ too long. I could feel them. They washed over me like some powerful tide of raw energy. And now I know how strong his love is… and what it looks like.

And do I see that in myself?

Yeah… I think I do.

…………………………….

Sanzo held me all night. His arms were around me when I woke up. It was heaven.

I thought maybe he'd still be angry with me, but it turns out Sanzo is even more brutally honest with _himself_ than he is with _us_.

He loves me. I can feel it now, with every look he gives me and every touch he bestows.

I don't know where this is going, but I know it's someplace _good_.

……………………………

I _will not_ be afraid anymore. I've been weakening myself by cutting myself off from any emotion that threatened my self-control. I won't do that any longer. I have no need to protect myself in that way. I am _strong_. I will be _whole_ if it _kills_ me.

I can't ignore or suppress my feelings for the monkey any longer. To do so would risk losing him, and he's a part of me now, a part I won't ever let go of again.

So to hell with all of you. I'm following my heart.

It's the only path I care to tread.

…………………………………

I am… _happy_.

Gojyo and I shared something quite… _special_… and I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Who knew love could be this _free_?

I know now that all of my fears were ungrounded. Gojyo was already in love with me, he just didn't see it for what it was. And I understand why that is. _I do_. I'm just so thankful he found what he was looking for with _me_.

I know I must look positively foolish. I'm absolutely _glowing_ with happiness and I can't help it. I just want to laugh, to call my joy out to the sky and all the heavens.

_I am in love and it is beautiful_!

I almost didn't recognize myself in the mirror this morning. The smile on my face was so _real_ I couldn't believe it was _mine_. Not even this whole situation with Goku can bother me _now_.

After all, a kiss is just a kiss, and we have so much _more_.


End file.
